Anyway, our story follows a modern day Brady Bunch known as the Martin family as the quintet (the woman and her wormy son and the man and his young daughter and teenage son) move into a new home, where an evil dollhouse sleeps in the garage. Daddy stumbles upon the house one day and gives it to his little girl as a birthday present to save a few bucks instead buying her something new and not evil. Soon afterwards the little girl gets very sick. It turns out that Satanic Bride Barbie's Amityville Dream House is some kind of voodoo model linked to the family’s new home. Now that she’s been exposed to the unholy play set is in turn linked to the little girl too... a little confusing, but almost worth it in the end.

The wiener kid's dad (a dead GI Joe) apparently lives in the closet, and tries to persuade the little poop to kill his new stepdad. The nerd manages to overpower GI Zombie's influence before he can do any harm though, so that whole zombie thing was kinda pointless. Soon enough we also find out that the house's fireplace used to belong to the old Amityville house, which explains the bond between the toy and the real thing. Meanwhile, the older son has his girlfriend over one night, and while they're giving in to their hormonal urges on the couch, an evil undead wasp flies into her ear (I had a ladybug in my ear once... uggh)! As if that weren’t freaky enough, she later "spontaneously" combusts! I don’t know why, but this house has a real mad-on for that chick!

In a kinky turn, it turns out that mommy has the hots for her stepson too and as soon as the evil force realizes this Lifetime Channel Original Movie arousal, it feeds it until she makes a move on the kid. This is the type of thing I could only dream about around my friends’ MILFy mommas, so it’s a very special type of scene for me that hits me right between the legs…

Eventually, the evil of the dollhouse is discovered by the kids’ Aunt Medicine Woman and Uncle Biker Thug (who both study black magic, coincidentally enough), and the toy is immediately torched, resulting in the actual house exploding and leaving the family with one of those “well, we survived the worst type of family problems and despite the fact that we’re now homeless, we’ve forged a bond that will last forever” type endings. My question though: if the girl and the dollhouse were linked in some kind of supernatural way, why didn’t she go up in flames too?

All around, the makeup FX were pretty cool and the acting really wasn’t bad. The story’s goofy and the house’s flat out hatred for the older son’s girlfriend is hilarious considering it doesn’t dick around with the actual family half as much as it does with her! A lot of people give this movie shit and some call it the worst of the Amityville series, but it really isn’t an unwatchable flick. It could’ve been worse! Anyway, I think I'll go watch The Hills Have Eyes. In the sage-like the words of Dr. Nick Riviera; "Goodbye everybody!"