Now that I've put out my theory, allow me to review the original, the motivational, the mediocrical, Amityville Horror. It's based on the book of the same name by Jay Anson, which, in turn, is based on some conspiracy possession killings or something that I don't have time to explore. It all begins one stormy night, December 13th, 1974, at Amityville Long Island. A family is brutally (oh please, gunshots are merciful compared too some of the stuff I've seen… and done) murdered by the 20 year old son of the household. He says he did it because some voices in his head told him to. Yeah, they all try that “plead insanity for a lighter sentence” bullshit sooner or later.

"One Year Later", a newlywed couple and their bastard children from the wife's other marriage move into the house. "One Month Later", and the Lutz family is still moving in... damn they're slow. George (James Brolin) begins to get more and more weird and bitter than usual the longer they stay there. Meanwhile, the toilet begins to overflow with black sludge! You know what they say: If it's brown, drink it down. If it's black, send it back! Bad plumbing aside, nuns and priests who go to the house become violently ill just being there! That’s not a big deal though, as Jehovah Witnesses and bill collectors suffer the same problem when they knock on my door.

More and more problems arise for the unhappy family, including George who is constantly freezing his ass off and unable to get Lil’ George to salute Mrs. Lutz (well, it does shrink when it's cold, so they kinda go “hand in hand” *wink*wink*), his wife Kathy wakes up in the night randomly screaming "she was shot in the head!!!", money disappears in large amounts, claustrophobic babysitters get trapped in small closets, and the daughter’s imaginary pal Jody is "telling stories" and "causing mischief". Meanwhile, the church just sits back and bitches amongst themselves, doing nothing to help the family... not unlike their Switzerland type stance during that whole “Holocaust of the Jews” thing back in the ‘40s. Typical 20th century religion.

The evil in the house continues to swell like Ron Jeremy at the Playboy mansion, as windows smash on vulnerable hands, doors explode off their hinges, flies begin to swarm about, and glowing eyes appear in the night. Finally, a paranormal chick who's had one too many talks with "God" comes to the house and reveals to us that the house was built as a place for warlocks excommunicated from Salem to continue their Satanic rituals and human sacrifices. In addition, the "mentally unsound" were locked in the basement and left to die, only to be buried there upon their deaths. Sure enough, when the Lutzeses go exploring in their basement, they find a doorway to Hell behind one of the walls. Big deal, my uncle has a doorway to Hell in his pantry and he never killed anyone… though his entire family did disappear that one summer… though that doesn’t prove anything.

The sinister forces of Long Island aren't restricted entirely to the house though, as the only priest who believes in the family is blinded when he tries to pray for their souls at the local church. See kids, when you try to help people out, "God" steals your sight. So, either ignore people in need, or just add to the problems! Anyway, on "the Last Night" of the family's stay, there's a big storm, the place goes into Total Crazy Madness Overdrive Mode, and George and his family escape with their lives intact. Whoopie… and not Goldberg… ugh.

Amityville is actually pretty relaxed for your average haunted house story, lacking the energy and visual stimulation of a Poltergeist or House. On the plus side though, the flick does hold firmly onto the creepy side, and when George really gets angry and bitchy, James Brolin makes that shit work. So, maybe if there'd been some fatalities or flying furniture, the movie would've impressed me more. Suspenseful atmosphere only works well on me if done perfectly, and that's hard to do. Sadly, The Amityville Horror missed the bullseye… but at least it managed to stay on the board, which is something some movies can’t even manage to do.