This review should've been finished a day earlier, but my shitbox computer was doing some unsafe downloading. It caught one of those viruses that continuously pops up a fake system alert telling you that spyware's been detected on your system and you need to install anti-virus programming to get rid of it. Of course, even if you already have an anti-virus program on your computer, this fucking balloon keeps re-opening telling you to click it so you can download an anti-virus program. For anyone who fears they might fall victim to such a program, here's a tip to help you differentiate between an actual system alert warning and a fake one: the fake ones tend to have several misspelled words in them. Speaking of "several", that, along with "recommend" and "download" were the three words that all came up with letters either missing or re-arranged in this particular fake alert. I'm not sure if this is a sign that all hackers failed grade school English, or if it's some kind of weird test to see if the people getting the virus are stupid enough to deserve having their hard drives raped because you need to actually click on this window in order to give the program access to your computer. Honestly, if you still fall for this goofy shit, you deserve to have your identity thieved and all of your files replaced with Miley Cyrus songs and gay dungeon porn.

Anyway, though I know a lot of people who won't fess up to it, I've always been a fan of Norm MacDonald. I thought he was one of the best “Weekend Update” hosts, his stand-up stuff was consistently watchable (as delivered in that odd, kinda awkward Norm fashion), and yes, I'll admit it, I like Dirty Work. I use the “fancy birth control methods” line at least once every few weeks, even if the context I use it in doesn't call for it. Anyway, Norm had a bit he did about Doberman dogs that... uhm... come to think of it, I have no idea how the joke went. Something about a Doberman getting all old and washed up because pit bulls are now the killer canines of choice? That sounds about right. The part that stuck with me was when he'd say “I'm the Doberman” with his muddled Canadian-Scottish accent and it sounded like “Dober-Man”, as if the dog was an elderly Jewish superhero... this really had nothing to do with Dobermann, it's just something that pops into my head any time somebody mentions the word “Doberman”, so it's a semi-relevant anecdote, right?... Times like this make me question if maybe I shouldn't have been drinking the mercury out of the school thermometers when I was in the 3rd grade.

Based on a French comic book, the opening credits help the movie grab your nipples from the start, as a cartoon dog-man (probably a relative of mine) licks some of the credits, shoots at others, and still others he gives the old "Hydrant Rinse" to. Young Le Pentrec was born into an organized criminal family of French mobsters. Yeah, zut alors, I didn't know French mobsters existed neither. Immediately following his churchy-church baptism, Young also received his criminal baptism and is rewarded with a 357 Magnum by his Uncle Joe Hell, which winds up in his lap through a series of comical circumstances that include a Doberman... uhm, the gun not his uncle... that would just be creepy and wrong and inappropriate for such a family friendly website as this. When he grows up, Young (Vincent Cassle) becomes the infamous mobster known simply as The Gangster, whom we reunite with while he's single-handedly taking out an armored car with Uncle Jerry's baptismal present... that includes its own freaking mini-rocket launcher!? Holy crack smoking zombie Amy Winehouse, I needs to get me one of those! Young's not just your run-of-the-mill froggy mobster though, he's some kinda crazy comic book villain type super mobster! The guy's like Diabolik and shit only without the goofy monochrome bodysuits and sans Beastie Boys parody video. He's not a solo super thief though. No, he's a bad-assier French version of Danny Ocean (funny since Cassel was in both Ocean'sTwelve and Thirteen), what with his network of trusted underlings known as Dobermann, each member of which bears a tattoo of their corporate canine logo and brings with them their own unique characteristics, talents, and snappy gangster names like "Torpedo" and "Bulldog"... then again, names like that make me think they're more suited for roles on "American Gladiators". Whatchoo gonna do Hulk Hogan, when the Grim Reaper comes looking for your career, brother?!

As with any gang, Dobie's an odd lot. Along with Young you have Nata (Monica Bellucci), the mute Bonnie to his Clyde; the "manic like he's got cocaine boogers" Mosquito; and the aforementioned lovable lunk Bulldog whose love for his puppy Marx reminds me of the Abominable Snow Monster from the Bugs Bunny cartoons. There's also the grenade wielding man-of-the-cloth Priest; Sunny the drag queen prostitute; Nata's crazy incestuous spazzoid brother Pony (yes, like the wiener from "The Outsiders"); and "the rest" as the "Gilligan's Island" theme used to say. Each member of the gang has their own unique charm, it's probably one of the more interesting "heist team" groups you'll find, and they all get their own "character moment" to call their own. On the other side of the legal coin, we've got Roy - the good guy, "by the book" cop whose mission it is to take the Dobermanns down with the help of his team Fox 4... not to be confused with the Fox 4 News team, bringing you the latest breaking stories with anchors Craig Speigel & Mary Mulrony, weather with meteorologist Dr. Steve, and the sports score wrap-up with Brick Kurrgan, coming at your face every night at ten! Fox 4 News: FIRST!

When Dobermann's latest robbery leaves several banks' reserves shootin' blanks, a rookie cop with a hole in his head, and a motorcycle pig with no head at all, the reins of Fox 4 are taken from Roy and handed over to Christini (Tcheky Karyo). Mr. 'Tini is the bad cop to Roy's good cop, only he's really really REALLY bad. He's one of those hyper violent interrogator-type officers whose hands smell like ground beef after taking confessions from teenage dopers in dark rooms. He looks kinda like Jason Statham and makes Vic Mackey look like Mickey Mouse or Dr. Szell look like Dr. Demento. Is it safe? No, with Christini it's so far from safe that you'd need CIA spy satellites to find out where the fuck "safe" is hiding. "Safe" is probably sitting awake in Osama Bin Laden's guest cave, finding it impossible to sleep because of all the noise from Big O's MacGyvered dialysis machine, that is how evasive "safe" is when Christini's involved. In fact, as soon as he's put on the Dobermann case, the bastard and his equally sinister toady find Sunny, then torture he-she and his-her family until he gives up our anti-hero's whereabouts, finally breaking the surgically mutilated she-man when Christini basically threatens to violate Sunny's newborn nephew with a grenade. Yep, a grenade. I told ya, the guy's Satan with a badge and a sadism fetish.

All of this is tough shit for the Dobie posse, as the frog-legged piggies (there's an interesting visual...) come down on them while they're drugged, drunk, and mid-coitus at Uncle Joe's tranny hangout nightclub. Pony gives up the ghost after being shot in the stomach, while Nata and a very stoned Bulldog are snagged into custody, the latter of which doesn't survive the interrogation I'm sorry to say. As for everybody else, with some help from Joe they manage to make it out unmolested... well, that's not entirely true, because Mosquito gets a "battery-powered pussy plower" stuffed in his mouth at one point... which is preferable to the other logical place it could have been inserted... i.e. up his nose. Why, what did you think I was talking about? Oh dude, that's sick...

After watching Christini beat up his woman and drive off with her so he can go show her the XXX version of "police brutality", Young has seen all he can stand and can't stands no more. Instead of getting his dick wet, 'Tini instead gets the left half of his face road rashed right off and his head splattered in a finale that, albeit cool and violent and cringe inducing, was over a little too quick for my liking. Pony and Bulldog are buried and mourned, Sunny's forgiven for his-her infidelity to the gang, and it all ends with the potential for a sequel, although to my disappointment there's no word on such a sequel even being considered at the time of this review. Boooooooooo!

For much of Dobermann you can just feel the comic book influences glaring on-screen like a 50ft. dinosaur made out of neon lights and rhinestones. Some of the action is shot in style with groovy semi-techno musical accompaniment and even the occasional moment of breaking the screen up into comic style boxes. It's a trick I actually could've used more of. The set pieces varied greatly in coolness, from the rundown nothingness of Dobermann's weird junkyard hideout (that gave me a The Hills Have Eyes survivalist vibe) to the over-the-top madness of Uncle Joe's crazy tranny nightclub with its giant jeweled skull entrance way! The washed-out, "blue undertones" thing felt a little dreary for the kind of frantic action movie pace being thrown at us. Speaking of the pace, the whole thing's just fast enough that when the movie's over you'll wonder how it managed to fold time and space and make 90 minutes seem like half that. Cinema nihilists and naysayers could chalk this up to shortcomings in the bare bones story, or it could be that big budget American productions have spoiled me since I was a lad with drawn out action pieces that dominated many a Schwarzenegger, Stallone, or Willis blow-'em-ups. That last part's especially relevant when thinking about how I couldn't help but watch the final face-off between Young and Christini and be reminded of all those "Married... With Children" jokes about how Al Bundy couldn't fuck for more than 3 minutes at a time. Maybe writer Joël Houssin should've sheathed his fingers in some Performax when he was typing it up...

Ya think maybe Durex will send me some free condoms for that last insert? Huh huh huh, "insert". Anyway, I could definitely use some more prophylactics cuz I'm all out. Otherwise I'll have to go back to using these fancy birth control methods you kids have today, like pullin' out. I knew I'd get a Dirty Work reference in here at some point...