I love Larry Cohen. He's one of those very unassuming writer-director-producer types whose resume sports a healthy variety of b-movies that, despite their minimal budgets, always entertain and stick in your mind. Each one is a weird production in its own way, whether it's about killer mutant babies or giant Aztec god monsters or man-eating yogurt or even outer space Jesus. Speaking of which, God Told Me To is the latter of those: the outer space Jesus one.

I first reviewed this movie probably 7 or 8 years ago, back when I was still a devout member of our town's local “hole in the wall” movie rental store Victor Video... formerly “Victory Video” before the store was sold and the new owners proved lazier than even myself could hope to be, simply dropping the 'y' from everything bearing the previous name and thus making it a “whole different store”. I always wish I'd been born 5 years sooner though, because by the time I was old enough to get a credit card and thus my own account as V-Squared, the place was only open another few years before the attempt to change over to DVD format (to hopefully keep the other less-than-loyal customers from defecting to Blockbuster) forced them into bankruptcy. But, in those few years I was able to carry my Victor Video membership card with pride, I made every effort to watch as much of their obscure and oft-out-of-print VHS collection as I could, even buying a fair chunk of it when the place did finally file for chapter six-feet under. In those years I found such unknown classics that other stores didn't carry, like Kung-Fu Kids Break Away, A*P*E, The Final Combat, Humongous, and Gold Told Me To... yep, just when you thought I was going to fade off into a story about unrelated events in my life, suddenly we're back on track. It's just the scenic route kids, daddy knows where he's going... 60% of the time, EVERY time!

One bright, sunshine soaked afternoon in the streets of Manhattan, a man atop a water tower shatters the peace with a sniper rifle, picking off several people seemingly at random! Gun shots crack like thunder as one-by-one the body count builds. 20 minutes and 15 victims later, the NYPD has the shooter cornered and Detective Peter “Safety Pin” Nicholas (Tony Lo Bianco, looking like the love child of Elias Koteas and Judd Hirsch) climbs the tower to try and chat with the killer. Turns out he's a 21 year-old named Harry who doesn't do drugs, likes long walks on the beach, is allergic to anything with peanuts in it, has a pet hamster named Gerald McBoingBoing, and gives off a very “likes meat in his seat” vibe, which isn't even taking into consideration his Freddy Mercury mustache. When Pete very calmly asks Harry why he'd do something like gun down 15 random strangers for no apparent reason, Harry tells him “Because God told me to...” before doing a Forward 1 ½ Somersault Tuck, only to flub it as he splats on the concrete. Ohhhh, you know the Ukrainian judge is going to be harsh on him for that one. A real shame too.

Like any movie cop, Pete's haunted by visions of Harold's botched sidewalk dive, but the logical side of him is also hung up on how a guy with an improperly calibrated mail order scope could be so damn accurate in his shots, as if the bullets were being guided, say by a higher power? It's a Larry Cohen picture folks, anything is possible! Pete's also a devout Catholic who goes to mass every morning and confesses every little thing he does to his priest. He hides his faith though, because his his hot young progressively thinking liberal substitute teacher girlfriend Casey might leave him over it, and he wants to ride her through to the end of his mid-life crisis. Oh yeah, and he doesn't believe in divorce either, so technically he's still married to his ex-wife Martha. A point of contention you can imagine, but then Peter's got an apartment with a balcony view overlooking Central Park, so for a substitute teacher I'm sure Casey will get over her jealousy and progressive thinking.

Another random attack occurs when an old guy named John goes to his local supermarket and just starts stabbing people. He's gunned down and taken to the hospital (if this happened to today he would've been shot so many times there wouldn't be enough left to fill out a mayonnaise jar, let alone a hospital bed), where Peter shows up and asks him one simple question before John fades to black. The answer? If you guessed anything but “God told me to”, then you need to slam your fingers in the nearest window right now.

Somebody calls into the NYPD with the promise of more killings to come and a warning that they'll happen during the St. Patrick's Day parade as executed by one of their own. The jittery old guy can't give them any details more specific than that before hanging up. Had he stayed on the line a little longer, maybe he could've told them that the weird looking, funny talking foreign guy from “Taxi” was going to be the one pulling the trigger. Yep, Andy Kaufman himself (and some really bad acne) guns down several of his fellow officers, one politician, and some Angus Young lookin' guy in a sweater. Why? All together now kids, “GOD TOLD HIM TO!”. The funny part is that I didn't even know who Andy Kaufman was until a few weeks before originally renting this movie. It was right around the time Man In the Moon was about to come out, Comedy Central was running these Kaufman tribute shows, and WWE was showing old footage of Andy's “legendary” feud with pro-grappler Jerry “the King” Lawler. Sure enough I picked up this movie, saw him dressed as a cop and almost shit a brick. I've got weird cosmic coincidental powers like that. Don't piss me off or I'll try calling you at the exact same time you try to call me and neither of us will be able to get through to the other. Be afraid.

When Pete finally starts doing some investigation into the murders, he finds that each of the killers had talked with a long-haired blond guy shortly before. No one can seem to remember anything about his face though, so either he was the guy from Bruiser, he has Lamont Cranston (who is, in reality, The Shadow!)-ish style mind clouding powers, or he's like Superman and he very subtly vibrates his face at a speed that makes identifying him impossible. That wasn't a joke by the way. Harold's mom also tells Pete that the kid walked around barefoot and went by the name Bernard Phillips. Not exactly what I'd consider a hippie name, but then I'm sure nobody took much notice in a name like “Jesus Christ” before he started summoning zombies and going all Batman on the money changers.

A scan through the police records turn up very little on Bernie, except that he was born in Little Italy, so Pete hits the streets in search of answers, starting with Bernie's mom. Mrs. Phillips isn't so pleased to see the pig though, and attacks his with a straight razor when he shows up! The two then struggle and fall down a flight of stairs. Pete's none the worse for wear except for a cut on his hand, but Mrs. P (who fell only fell down about ¼ of the stairs that Pete fell down) dies while manically gurgling and contorting herself, trying to choke out those four little words for Pete to hear, “I love your tie”. A quick trip to the coroner reveals that the supposed Mrs. Phillips was actually a virgin... So, did she have a virgin birth, or does “Bernard Phillips” not really exist? Well, an interview with the doctor who delivered the baby only complicates matters, because he does indeed remember taking Bernard out of momma's belly (Cesarean birth, which helps keep mom's hymen intact despite spawning a kid). How does this one out of the 9000 other kids he's delivered stick out? He couldn't tell if it was a boy or a girl. There's no mention of whether the kid had both sets of sex organs or neither, but I think the idea of hermaphrodite Jesus is just more entertaining to me!

Another killing happens, this time a man ventilates his wife and two kids. The interview Pete conducts with the man afterwards is spooky because the guy describes the murder with absolutely no pity and says that he didn't even need to aim the gun because it's like Jesus was guiding him. He doesn't do it in a Charles Manson “I'm crazy and intense and want people to pay attention to me!” way though. Instead he's got this very relaxed, nonchalant manner about him. Imagine a sociopath after he's smoked a joint and well fed himself on a bag of Oreos™ afterwards and that's how this guy acts. Pete freaks out on the guy and gets suspended because his involvement with the case is affecting his mind. Tired of the department covering up details of the murders, our hero goes to a newspaper columnist and tells him about the religious angle to the cases and the subsequent publication stirs a lot of public interest and mass hysteria, mostly from religious nuts who proclaim the second coming of Christ and the eminent deaths of the non-believers. As for the average criminal element (which of course includes the one prominent black figure in the department turning out to be on the take from drug dealers), they're using the “GTMT” phenomenon as a scapegoat for killing people, which gives Pete something else to occupy his time trying to solve during the movie's second half. While he's doing that, back to the Jesus thing it's revealed that JC (or rather BP) has his own committee of old white guys that he informs of his activities before they happen, and whom he apparently “puts his power into”... the less said the better for everyone. One of these men is also the guy who tipped off the cops to the St. Patty's shooting. As far as Pete goes, it turns out that Bernard wants his “disciples” to recruit him to their cause before he can do them any more harm. Of course there's a reason why they want the detective as an ally rather than just another corpse, but you'll figure all of that out when you watch the movie... and if you think I've dropped too much spoilage in this review, there's still a whole bag of plot twists and crazy dramatic shit left that I haven't even hinted at here!

The interesting thing about Peter of course it that he lives so staunchly by his faith... well, except for the whole thing about fucking a woman half his age while he's still legally married of course. Anyway, the guy's gay for Catholicism, and here he is faced with what, by all accounts, sound like his Lord coming back to Earth and ordering executions! Jesus is back... and he's pissed! When you've been told for forty years that Beardo McChrist was all about peace and love and brotherhood and that he's going to lead you to your big reward in the Great Beyond after it's all said and done, then the possibility comes up that not only had he returned to Earth in your lifetime, but that he's also a vindictive cult leader?! If that doesn't cause a crisis of faith in a guy, I don't know what will... until the final act when Pete catches Jesus cornholing and then Cleveland Steaming his own mother! Of course I'm kidding... or am I? You won't know until you watch it yourself... or ask someone else who's watched it already.

As much as I like the basic idea of what's going on in the movie, some of the stuff makes soap operas look plausible. Cohen's story could've used a little less in the way of subplots and a little more in the way of character building. If you like pretzels then be whet your lips, because the last 30 minutes or so put more twists into the tale than Auntie Anne's daily sales. And if you don't get that reference, you need to go to your local mall. But go in the morning so you can avoid all of the shithead teens just begging you to nailgun the back of their skulls. Beyond the slightly bloated storyline, there are other problems here too, especially the extent to which it's so damn technically unsound. Unfortunately, the editing isn't the tightest and Cohen should've paid a little more attention to the small things, like making sure his camera guy's shadow wasn't being projected onto characters in scenes where there isn't supposed to be anyone else in the room. I'm sure if I looked a little harder I probably could've caught a boom mike or two also, but fortunately I'm not usually that nit-picky/aware of my surroundings. Further flashing their lack of budget, the camera's also very shaky, the blood is some of the paintiest looking gore I've ever seen, one guy who's stabbed repeatedly in the back and stomach shows NO signs of rips or tears on his clothing, and the countless pedestrians constantly looking and pointing at the camera don't help us forget that this is just a movie. Then again, pretty much the entire thing was shot in the real NYC (unlike stuff like Jason Takes Manhattan, which was shot in freaking Canada) and probably done with guerrilla tactics, so I doubt Cohen wanted to attract unwanted police attention with stuff like roping off the sidewalks and trying to force the city folk through detours.

Even while writing down everything that's wrong with it, I still find it impossible to not like this movie. It could be the heavy religious tones, it could be because it's a genuine New York City movie, it could just be because of my prior declaration of my love for Larry Cohen. I know it sure as Hell isn't because I'm getting paid to hype the movie or because I'd been bribed with a free copy of the DVD... One thing's for sure: I'll never look at Richard Lynch or stomach vaginas the same way again. JUST RENT IT ALREADY!