That's all in the past though. Not only have I found an Evil Dead Bride who was willing to make the long distance thing work, but I also got my hands on Mirror Mirror 2... and Mirror Mirror 3... and Mirror Mirror 4. Yep, I not only missed out on one sequel, I apparently missed out on three sequels and didn't even know it until I picked up the Mirror Mirror box-set courtesy of Anchor Bay and their on-going mission to get pretty much every cult b-horror flick from the '80s into the hands of those that seek them... then rip off their customers by releasing 6 different versions of the same movie in slightly varied editions. I eventually learned my lesson after buying my third copy of Army of Darkness in as many years, but let's not dwell on my life as an ignorant movie collector with more money than self-control. What should we do instead? Well, getting around to reviewing this movie might be a good idea. And so, without further rambling tirade ado, let's step through the looking glass. Please be sure to keep your hands inside the car, be aware of your valuables at all times, and try not to refer to your guide as "Tickles". You're just gonna have to trust me on that last part.

When Mary Weatherworth killed her sister in 1939, people figured she was just insane and in need of incarceration in one of their many fine insane asylums, along with people from mixed-race couples, women's lib supporters, and people who thought smoking cigarettes was bad for your health. 50 or so years later, the standard issue "obnoxious Beverly Hills rich bitch" Susan Gordon (Karen Black!) and her "Boy George meets Lydia Deets" daughter Megan move into the house on the suggestion of Sue's psychiatrist, where Meg takes an immediate liking to Crazy Mary's old full-length mirror... which was moved out of the house in the previous scene, but has magically returned... cue Robert Stack and the "Unsolved Mysteries" theme. Spooky. As you can imagine, Miss 'Gan doesn't have an easy time of fitting in at her new small time suburban school what with her L.A. emo-goth-biker look, including the mandatory "awkward stumble and resultant knocking over of the Biology room anatomical skeleton" followed by being laughed at by the ever-present "Daddy's little rich girl" of the school and her hanger-on... who is no doubt going balls deep on her rich friend's father and will one day end up being her buddy's new step mom once she graduates high school.

Fortunately for Meg, it's movie law that the "intelligent and pretty, but not quite as pretty as the evil rich girl and therefore not a bitch" girl from school (in this case, her name is Nikki) has to make friends with our little heroine, so the two get that part over quickly in the girls' bathroom. And no, since this isn't an Andy Sedaris flick, the two do not grind cootch on the sink. Back at the new old homestead, Sue's dog unleashes it's yellow fury on Meg's evil mirror and winds up dead shortly after. The scene afterwards where Meg and her mom discuss the dog's death while the furball bleeds from the mouth on their kitchen counter is almost surreal in the way it's presented. It's not quite serious enough to be dramatic, but at the same time it's not really funny enough to be a comedy moment. You're not quite sure if you're supposed to laugh or feel some kind of remorse. Some people would just call it confusing and badly written, but I'm just uncomfortable enough to enjoy it.

As you can probably figure, when Megalon makes the mistake of wishing to see her father again while in the presence of a certain sinister reflective surface, she's visited by the rotting, melted remains of her father later that night in what she thinks is just a simple nightmare. This prompts Nikki to tell Meg the sorted history of the Weatherworth house and it's kooky former occupant. As for mommy, she's looking for some male companionship and looks to the local pet cemetery operator and local 'Nam vet Mr. Veze (William Sanderson of “Newhart”!) to break off a slice of her homemade poontang pie for. Naturally this annoys Megs, who thinks it's "too soon" for her mom to start dating, four years after her dad's untimely demise. Elsewhere, Emelin (Yvonne De Carlo!), the antiques dealer who cleaned out the house prior to the Gordons’ moving in, gets caught up reading Mary Weatherworth's old diary so as to provide background to the viewers as to why the mirror is evil... I'm assuming because the audience is apparently stupid and easily distracted, so they need their hand held while everything is spelled out for them phonetically. I'm a little insulted. If they really felt the need to bulk up the backstory, couldn't they have at least thrown in some flashbacks and a few halfway decent visuals to keep us occupied instead of making us watch an old maid read with mild concern?

The spookshow around Meg continues, as the mirror starts to influence her life outside the house as well as within, causing the rich girl's nose to bleed as if her eyeballs were ovaries, Meg's gum tasting like vomit after she rubs it on the mirror (why she'd do that in the first fucking place I have no idea), turning our heroine on to some unnatural mirror demon groping when the it starts to ooze blood in front of her, putting the love whammy on rich bitch's doughy boyfriend, killing off her enemies with massive heart attacks, fatal steam baths, storms of glass shards, and generally eating or maiming anybody that gets too close to it. I used to have a blender that did the same thing, only it wasn't demonically possessed, it just had a rough childhood and didn't know a constructive way of dealing with it's anger.

At first, when 'Gan tries to tell Nik about her new crazy powers, Nikki passes it off as ranting and bullshit. When she actually uses her powers to give Nikki searing gas pain as proof, her pal goes from a little creeped out to flat out horrified. How many more ancillary characters will fall to our little witch's bloodlust before the end credits roll? More importantly, how will they die? Will Susan ever get her head out of her own ass (and more literally, out of Mr. Veze's lap) and start caring for her own daughter as much as she cares about her self? And will Nikki be able to stop her friend, or will she join her in some hot lesbian witchcraft blood orgy? We all know there are sequels, but will anybody from this movie live to see a paycheck from the next one? And how did the antique dealer lady's hands heal from her severe hand wounds so quickly?! Whatever the case, it all wraps up in one of the most needlessly confusing endings to come out of '80s horror. I don't know if the writers had some kind of crazy plan or statement they were trying to make, or if they just couldn't come up with a good ending so they said fuck it, did some 'shrooms and just went with whatever they wrote down between drug induced journeys through car washes that spray champagne and trees made out of chocolate truffles. Either way, I'm still not sure what the Hell it was I just finished watching...

Obviously the writing gets a little cluttered at the finish, but you have to expect that when the screenplay’s being penned by four different people, few of which managed to do anything following Mirror, Mirror… with the exception of one of the sequels. The director must have just learned how to do slow-motion sequences before making the movie, as there are several of them thrown in for no real reason. They don't enhance the scenes they're used in; they just seem to make them drag out longer than they need to be. The rest of the time Miss Sargenti doesn’t really give us anything to write to your death row pen pal about. Where the creative team can’t provide a pay-off above par though (which doesn’t really make sense since you’re supposed to shoot for below par…), the cast makes the movie watchable. Nobody really puts on a great show, but there’s just something appealing about each character in that “stereotypical ‘80s movie high school students” fashion. Karen Black is amusingly oblivious as the out-of-her-element Beverly Hills mom; Bill Sanderson was good as the deadpan mortician boyfriend; Rainbow Harvest (I reiterate, that is indeed her actual name) was adorably morbid as our confused little heroine who could settle on a favorite color (obviously) but never quite did figure out which social class she was trying to represent; and the kids didn’t bother me at all, oddly enough. It’s an otherwise forgettable flick as far as “haunted furniture” movies go, but a none-too-bad layover on the “low key high school dramedy” train. Yeah, I know, I deserve two stiff nut shots for that last statement: the first for saying I had a good time watching a high school dramedy, and the other for using the term “dramedy”. But, I’ve got three Mirror, Mirror sequels to watch still, so I’ll have to take a rain check on the testicular abuse. Just let me stamp an I.O.U. on your ass with my size 13s and we’ll go over the details another time…