After giving it a lot of thought, I've decided to change my last name to Thunderdome. I figure we've just elected a black man president, now is the time where anything goes! Yep, Dave Thunderdome. Has a nice ring to it if I do say so myself...

Somehow (though I'll be damned if I can fucking figure out how), this brings us to today's review for Satan Returns. Yes Suzanne, if you're reading this, it's another weird Asian movie that nobody normal has ever heard of. Also, if you are reading this, send me an e-mail cuz I've got explicit pictures of myself in my Octaman costume I wanted to show you... heh heh. Anyway, I first saw SR 10 or so years ago at one of the first few H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. movie marathon parties courtesy of my friend Jim and his connections with a Canadian bootlegger. Far from definite, but I'm pretty sure it might have been then Prime Minister Jean Chretien, of course known for his attempts to open up relations with Cuba and for his grandma's legendary “back bacon meatloaf” recipe. Where or whom it came from weren't important though, because at the time I called it Japan's version of Evil Dead II, ripe with demonic possession, violence, comedy, dismemberments, action, and chainsaws. Of course, that was completely stupid and wrong of me to say... cuz it was made in Hong Kong, not Japan. It seems like I've only heard negative opinions on it by other people since, so I thought it was time to resurrect this beast into a new flesh and see if it's still got the same old *POW!* *BANG!* *SPLAT!* charm it did the last time we had a democrat with his hand on the Captain's wheel... and the other hand holding a cigar that smells like last week's catch-of-the-day.

There's a crazy guy named Judas who lives in Hong Kong, has a clock fetish and wears a “666” tattoo on his left wrist. Not a great place for such a tattoo, since it's likely to pop out when you're shaking hands with clients, co-workers, or the guy conducting your job interview. After a hard day's work, Jud likes to go home and give possession of his body over to the Devil and commit murders. Yes, unfortunately being the envoy for the duke of darkness often requires a shitload of overtime and working through holidays. Keep that in mind before you put your soul on the market to try and pay off that pesky credit card bill that you charge all your freaky internet porn subscriptions on. Besides, in this economy you'd be lucky to get half of your soul's actual value, and even then only with ridiculous interest rates.

Judas's victims are far from random though, because he only stalks women born at 6am on June 6th, 1969. According to him, this is the date that Satan's daughter was born and the only way to resurrect her in her new form is to ceremonially yank out her still beating heart! If the lady in question survives, well, then she must be the spawn of Slithis!... errr, Satan! Naturally this leads to numerous fatal “oops” moments as Jud de-hearts several women of their vital organs. While it's happening though, the inhumanly gorgeous police psychologist Chan Shou-ching (I love you Chingamy Yau!) is having nightmares about her father abandoning her when was just a kid, torrents of blood gushing from between her legs like her snatch was the elevator from the Overlook, and of course a familiar looking religious zealot who likes to put hands in places they don't belong... like a woman's chest cavity. I just hope he makes it a point to wash said hands first. Even if he does eventually find Ol' Scratch's offspring, the young lady could get a nasty infection if he's not sanitary!

Chingy's roommate and fellow officer Rose is currently having a fling with Chinese Casanova comedy-relief-cop Ka-Ming (who really likes American crime thrillers ala Se7en and Silence of the Lambs), whose partner is a fists-of-fury action hero type called Mo Ti Nam (Donny Yen), who throws police brutality caution to the wind and likes to cracks skulls first and ask questions later... or just crack skulls period and fuck the questioning altogether... for example, before he even speaks his first line he kills several guys in a diner shoot-out! Chasing the last partaker of the crime he was breaking up into an alley, Mo and Ching (who was tagging along to save a little girl taken hostage) stumble on the site of Judas's latest victim, still left hanging on an inverted crucifix. Having discovered the body, this now means that Mo and the boys (and girls) in blue under his command are now tasked with solving the case themselves. Meanwhile, it's Ching-o's job to determine if Mo (who people randomly call “Alchemist” at times for reasons unexplained) is mentally fit to be on active duty considering his gung-ho attitude and Dirty Harry/Nash Bridges/ Walker Texas Ranger like way of doing what it takes to get the job done. I foresee sparks in this pair's future. Sexy sparks. That's just wishful thinking though because *BIG OBNOXIOUS SPOILER ART!*, Chings never whips out her things. Bah.

According to Ching's former priest from Catholic school, he saw three '6's on the back of Ching's dad's neck just before he suddenly disappeared when she was a brat. He says he was scared at the time and so told no one about it, but as a priest you'd think he'd voice his concerns to somebody when the father of one of his students is bearing the mark of the fucking DEVIL! Later, Judas tries to pull the trigger and make his move on Chingy-Ching-Ching, but does the dumb-ass thing and tries to do so in the ladies' locker room at the police station. This leads to a fight with Officer Mo, who forces the villain to retreat and use his Satan given super ability to blow shit up to combust a perfectly good Hi-C machine and cover his escape. Mmmm, a Hi-C machine. Throw in a few Butterballs and you've got a movie Danny Aiello can pop wood over!... sorry, I wanted to post a link to a YouTube video showing the “Saturday Night Live” skit I'm referring to in this last joke, but sadly all that shit's long since been removed for legal purposes and it's a skit that NBC doesn't feel the need to put on their own website. Looks like the starving masses will have to go without their Hi-C and turkey. Up yours Universal!

As far as how Judas has been getting info on his victims, conveniently enough there was a new credit card issued only for women in Hong Kong. Using one of his boss's lady acolytes, Judas gets personal info about any and all women born on the magic 6-6-69 date that sign up for a line of credit. And what does the acolyte get in return for her hard work? Beyond the satisfaction of trying to bring all encompassing evil to the world, she also gets the “privilege” of taking a mouthful of Jud's home-brewed man chowder... which better taste like Hi-C and turkey if that's all she's getting paid! Sorry, it's becoming an obsession with me. I'll try to keep it in check for the rest of the review. Anyway, the cops know that Judas is picking his targets from the credit company's records, so they set up three officers undercover to pose as new clients, each with the same birthday. Not the sharpest scythe in the tool shed, Jud doesn't find it at all odd that three women with the exact same birthday he's been keeping an eye out for would all register for the exact same credit card on the exact same day. Instead of popping his peepers towards the oral cavity of such an equine offering, the killer cultist goes for the gore. While on the stakeout though, Al and Ka are distracted by a gang of Satanists in trench-coats wielding flashlights and pointy sticks, giving Judas plenty of distraction time to hypnotize the undercover officer and slip away with her. The police department put aside three pieces of fodder, so you knew they weren't going to get him on the first try! Don't worry, the department gets a special “bait budget” each quarter for situations like this, so it won't affect your taxes in any way come Spring either.

Under the premise that he'll reunite her with her long lost father, Ching agrees to meet with her mysterious admirer, of course fitted with a wire and followed by Mo, Ka and twenty or so plain clothes piggies. Somehow she still manages to get separated from the group and Judas, decked out like a refugee from the Matrix, corners her. He tells her that the man she thought was her father was really just a caretaker employed to look over her, and who later died of AIDS given to him by Lucifer after the man had a change of heart and made Chingy a ward of the church. Before he can kidnap her, Ka and Mo show up, another fight exchange happens and the bad guy gets pistol-whipped into la-la land. While the fuzz interrogate the snot out of Jud for a few days following and investigate his apartment, Ching starts to hear the voice of Poppa Mephistopheles coaxing her into her new role as a slutty sinstress and introducing her to her newfound psychic ability to manipulate peoples' minds... which she accidentally uses to kill her best friend during an argument... movies like this are why my wife always gets control of the TV remote. I'd rather sit through 100 episodes of “Wedding S.O.S.” than go headfirst through a third story window thank you.

Judas makes good his escape (with a simple “just kidding!” scheme rather than using his Satan powers for some reason...) and we work our way to the finale. We get a hitchhiking priest, Ka and Mo fighting a gang of zombie cops, Mo mutilating said zombie cops with a chainsaw, one of said zombie cops beating Ka with its own severed leg, Judas being reverse-crucified then SET ON FIRE before he then DIVES 30 STORIES AND CRASHES INTO AN EXPLODING AMBULANCE... Jesus beer bongin' Christ, no wonder I gave this flick such a high score when I first watched it! Anyway, in the end, is it true that Ching-o really is the daughter of Admiral Goat Legs, or was the Morning Star just pulling her leg? Let's just say that in the pantheon of twist endings to crazy movies about the Anti-Christ, Satan Returns falls somewhere between The Omen and The Omen VI: Satan's Day Out and leave it at that.

I refuse to link to my original Satan Returns review because it's just one big indecipherable paragraph of nonsense that makes the Dead Sea Scrolls look like “Baby's First ABCs”. Looking back at it though (in the hopes of salvaging a decent joke or two), I see that I was cinematically easier to impress a decade ago. That might explain the “little kid jacked on Pixie Sticks” writing method I used to have. Looking at it now, the comedy stuff isn't overbearing, but what of it there is is goofy, slapsticky shit that doesn't really fit right into a movie that's mostly dark, depressingly lit shots and moderate action pieces. I understand what the creative crew were aiming for, but every silly moment just feels like someone trying harder and harder to physically pound a jigsaw puzzle piece into the wrong damn spot. Beyond the yucks, I can see where else my original Evil Dead II comparison came from. In addition to the part about chainsawing zombies (of which I could have sworn there was more than what there actually is), there's some very rapid Raimi-esque “deadite vision” p.o.v. shots to be had. They're not nearly as prevalent, but there are a couple here and there. Just enough to serve as a slice of homage to one of the best horror movies in the last 30 years.

Sadly, Satan Returns is not one of the best horror movies in the last 30 years. It's not a terrible flick, it just seems a little confused about what it wants to do. It could've been made as a serious, dark, moody, supernatural thriller. It could've been made as a splatstick, demons & zombies, chainsaw swingin', comic goregy of epic proportions. Instead it's more confused about what it wants to do with itself than I was in community college. The only difference being that I gave up and quit (3 semesters worth of student loans in the hole) while Satan Returns stuck it through and came out not on top, not in the gutter, but somewhere in the middle and generally forgotten as just another face in the crowd. Granted, a face with a chainsaw and a zombie cop beating a man with its own severed leg, but a face in the crowd none the less. Anchors away my boy. Anchors away. This is Dave Thunderdome, wishing you a good night and a relatively parasite free tomorrow!