Way back in my 6:6:06 review for the four direct-to-video Hellraiser sequels, I lamented that Doug Bradley should not take the blame for any of those dreadful movies. In fact, I believe it’s everyone but Bradley’s fault the series plunged into the crapper because the character of Pinhead should never have been cheapened by having to reside in direct-to-DVD sequels. Every Hellraiser film should be an event with a solid budget and Clive Barker’s blessing and, ideally, hands-on involvement. If the film industry actually worked, Bradley would be akin to Robert Englund and have the prerogative to name his price to play Pinhead, a character who, despite being trivialized, remains one of the top three horror villains of all time (when given the movie’s budget and character’s role are in sync). To summarize: if we exalted the series as much as it deserves, Pinhead would be on the horror version of Mount Rushmore instead of playing a Dickens ghost for scraps. Honestly, I don’t know if you can call Bradley a great actor — the rest of his filmography is far from impressive — but he doesn’t deserve to slip through the cracks like this.
Today’s Lame Duck, Phantom Raiders, does not feature Doug Bradley. But it does star Ator himself, the great Miles O’Keeffe. When you think about it, Bradley and O’Keeffe are kindred spirits when it comes to their film resumes. Both are really only known for one role (O’Keeffe also played Tarzan to some reasonable acclaim, but Ator and Tarzan are pretty close to being the same role). Both have reprised their roles multiple times: O’Keeffe was Ator three times; Bradley has played Pinhead in a staggering eight movies. Both haven’t been able to get a decent role after christening their respective signature characters. And both, while not the best actors out there, are guys you pull for without ever having met them and would love to see find big-time success. Sadly, mainstream success seems highly improbable for either at this stage of the game.
Even if you don’t like sword and sandal movies (I, for one, despise them), you’ve got to have a spot in your heart for O’Keeffe whether he’s fighting evil forces with a baby bear by his side in Ator the Fighting Eagle or taking an MST3K beating of Cave Dwellers (a.k.a. Blademaster, the second Ator movie) with admirable good humor. Where talentless douche Sandy Frank’s sandy vagina is costing anyone who wants to own an official MST3K copy of Godzilla vs. Megalon upwards of $200, O’Keeffe, judging by quotes attributed to him, seems like a smart guy who doesn’t take it personally when he makes a bad movie and someone calls him on it.
Sadly, O’Keeffe survived his typecast as a guy with a sword only to be recast as a guy with a gun, making countless shoot ‘em up movies after flashing a little range with his memorable cameo as Dracula in 1988’s decent Waxwork. Later that year, O’Keeffe starred in Phantom Raiders, an action movie so pointless and insulting that you actually feel bad that O’Keeffe had to be in it.
O’Keeffe stars as Python, an army guy who is sent to Vietnam (the Philippines, actually — this whole movie reeks of the Philippines) to take down a Communist terrorist training camp being run by former Green Beret specialist William Marshall (the back of the cheapo Digiview DVD not only misspells O’Keeffe’s name as expected but also credits him with the role of Marshall, not Python). Python, who kind of sounds like Ronald Reagan when dubbed, recruits three former Vietnam buddies to join him, and Marshall’s son also joins the team. There. With all the plot out of the way and over 60 minutes to go in the movie, we’ve got plenty of time for mindless, incessant gunfire, explosions and ninja shuriken tossing. If that last sentence excites you, A) you need a lobotomy, and B) you’re in luck, because that’s absolutely all the last hour of the movie is: gunfire, explosions, and occasional throwing stars.
The final two-thirds of the movie has no plot. There is barely any dialogue; all of it inane. There is only violence. We get to see the same five Philippine extras getting shot or blown up over and over again by Python and his buddies, while helicopters occasionally fly overhead. Eventually, after going Chuck Norris on the entire camp, the good guys eventually find Marshall, and … well, there’s lots more shooting before the inevitable showdown between father and son, which, of course, ends with Python saving the day. That should be the end of the movie, but guess what? More Charlie come running, and there’s more shooting! Guess what? All the extras die! Again! It’s as if, after 59 straight minutes of shooting, the director said “I’m not sure there was enough action, let’s do another shooting sequence.” Then, after a minute more, it was finally enough to drive the point home.
What was that point, you may ask? Well, the setting is supposed to be Vietnam, but the movie was made during the Reagan years, so there was Cold War and Iran-Contra crap particles floating in the air of democracy. My guess as to the filmmakers’ vision? It’s an excuse to film a mind-bloating amount of pointless violence. It’s just watching extras die until your eyes blur. Don’t believe me? Go get a copy and watch it. I dare you to watch this movie closely enough to detect undertones or messages. This movie dares you to watch is closely.
No one involved in this movie matters but Miles O’Keeffe. As for his performance, like I said, I feel sorry for him that he even has to be in this movie. I suppose the poor guy does the best with the role here, but he doesn’t really get to do anything but look smarmy, shoot extras and occasionally dress up in a ninja outfit.
Obviously, this movie is despicable and not even worth the $1 dollar someone else paid for it at Wal-Mart. It’s like Invasion U.S.A. without being fun for a second. To make this experience even worse for me, I feel honestly terrible for dredging this movie up and disgracing the good name of Miles O’Keeffe all over again. Even though, by all accounts, O’Keeffe is a good guy and keeps his body of work in proper perspective, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind this movie falling into obscurity and never rearing it’s ugly fucking head again. And here I am, counting the final 15 minutes of the most pointless workweek ever, simultaneously wishing the movie away and calling attention to it. O’Keeffe survived this disaster and continues to work —his latest film credit is from 2005 and his career spans three decades — but I can’t imagine the act of calling attention to Phantom Raiders is doing anything for the cause of extending the Miles o’ Keeffe we love to walk into another decade. I’m sorry, Miles. Please forgive me.
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