Being strapped for cash, I cruised through all of the available free movies, not really finding anything interesting. So, I went through a second time, looking for something that would at least give me something to talk to myself about or perhaps yell at the screen, a bit.

Behold! Judge fucking Dredd was available! I thought back to when it first came out and couldn’t really remember that much. Except that I was disappointed with it.

So, I figured “Why not”? It couldn’t be all that bad if I didn’t remember actively hating it, right?

Wow. Sometimes where my logic goes to when I decide to watch a movie, I will never know.

Now, Dredd is a great character and an equally great movie could have been developed using all the years of story and character already established by the comics. But, Hollywood doesn't want to take what made the comics good and re-create that on-screen. They have to do a total overhaul. Starting by making it extremely Americanized. I don't think I should have to explain why that is incredibly stupid.

So, aside from that, you still have a good story to work with. Dredd is too dedicated to the law, the law betrays him, redemption. Pretty simple. But this is the one thing I kept repeating throughout the movie: "Let's just cram the fucking screen with mass amounts of shit and hope people compare it to Blade Runner... only in the daytime."

Yes, because it was a “comic book movie”, Hollywood decided that it should be full of neons and very brightly lit. Excuse me, but did they even know what character they were dealing with? JD is a dark, serious and deadly comic. Not Batman Forever bullshit.

I couldn’t believe all of the goddamn actors they got. Check ‘em out! Diane Lane, Armand Assante, Jurgen Prochnow, Max von Sydow, Balthazar Getty. Every time one would show up, I'd have to ask them what in the hell they were doing in THIS movie. I never got an answer, because they were only on my TV and I had not consumed mass amounts of hallucinogens. I can only assume that everybody went: "Well, Stallone has had a good run. He seems really passionate about portraying the character. So, it can't be THAT bad, can it?"

You’ve already seen the basic structure, above. So, Stallone is Judge Dredd. The most bad-ass Judge in Mega-Super-Future-City, or whatever. The Judges are basically the police, only they have the authority and power to be judge, jury and executioner. Somehow, Dredd is implicated in a murder that he didn’t commit, so he is sentenced to prison. Oh, did I mention that Rob Schneider has been seen bumbling around and Dredd just sent him to jail, as well? Well, there ya go. Our movie has successfully created a set-up that will give Dredd a comical side-kick. Hooray, movie!

Anyway, Dredd and “You can dooo eeet” guy escape and are eventually captured in the desert by…wait for it….inbred hillbilly mutant cannibals. Huh. Who would of thought that in the future there would be inbred hillbilly mutant cannibals in the desert? I never saw that one coming!

Of course, they escape and Dredd’s name is cleared and everything is just so happy and cheerful, because JD has realized that … fuck I don’t know. I dare you to watch this just to find out.

Ok, so, as I mentioned, it’s crammed with colorful special FX that you can’t enjoy because there’s just too much shit on the screen to focus on. The motorcycle-thingies that the judges drive are laughable and the dialog is stilted, boring and ridiculous.

Is EVERYTHING terrible? Well, the giant robot-thing was kinda cool to look at. And ummm.... Oh yeah! I almost forgot! Surprisingly, Rob Schneider is the only one to come out of this movie looking like an actual actor with talent. And he’s just playing himself, as usual.

Obviously, the REAL star is supposed to be Stallone as Dredd. JD is a pretty passionless guy who is only interested in upholding the law, but you’re supposed to be able to see inside that exterior and understand him as a person. Oh, I’m sorry, that’s in the comics. In the MOVIE, he just comes off as an arrogant prick with no care for anyone around him, including fellow Judges. His line deliveries are especially hilarious. They’re supposed to be big, important lines that establish his character. But, ya know what? Stallone just isn’t right for this part. Schwarzenegger wouldn’t have worked, either. I don’t know who would have fit that part, but with a huge budget and massive advertising campaign, they had to go with a NAME.

BTW, and this is for the ladies, towards the beginning, when we’re introduced to JD, you get a nice, slow pan up his body that just seems to linger and fill the screen with a close-up of his cod-piece covered crotch a little too long. CINEMA!!!! I guess that’s better than the ass shots of Batman. Who am I kidding? They’re both disgusting, pointless shots that should have been avoided at all costs so people wouldn’t be ripping their eyes out and chewing on them like bubble-gum.

I mean, what really drew Stallone to this role, in the first place? Cuz he’s not playing the JD that I know.

So, yeah. I wasted an hour and a half of my life watching Stallone play superhero in a colorful shit-fest that made me appreciate the subtle acting methods of Rob Schneider. Thank you, movie. Thanks so much. I love you. Will you be my eternal friend? Here, I made you a friendship bracelet out of paperclips, so you’ll never forget me. No. No. There’s no need to offer me anything in return. You’ve already given me so much to take to my grave.