So, when the birthday cards rolled in this year, it seemed only appropriate that I spend the money from Sandy and her family on old b-movies. Lots of them. Which is how I wound up with Mill Creek’s “Nightmare Worlds” 50-movie set (how about an endorsement deal?), and this week’s (and probably many weeks to come) review.

It is not, as the title would suggest, about nuclear-powered measuring devices. The nuclear bombs being exploded on Earth are beginning to contaminate the atmosphere (!) in other corners of the galaxy. The rulers of the Emerald Planet (who look like outcasts from “The Daleks’ Master Plan”), a peaceful people who want to avoid a cosmic nuke exchange, create the wispy Japanese superhero Starman to fly to Earth and spread a message of peace by beating up thugs. With the aid of his Globe Meter, a device which allows interstellar flight, can detect any kind of nuclear device, and allows the wearer to understand and speak any Earth language, Starman leaps the vasty void of darkness between worlds only to discover that the leader of the country of Mirapolia (pronounced muh-GOAL-ia by the narrator, and don’t you dare snicker, it’s a real country, dammit!) is planning on taking over the rest of the world with his super-advanced nuclear technology. Three Mirapolian agents are on a plane bound for Japan even now!

Upon exchanging his ridiculous costume for the clothes of a simple salaryman, Starman tracks down the Mirapolian thugs transporting the nuclear device and beats them up in the name of interstellar peace, only to have the nuclear device stolen by a pack of precocious orphans during the fight. Hey, it’s Japan, people. Gangs of children roam the streets unchecked. You think pachinko parlors are run by the yakuza? Nope. They’re run by preschoolers. Although these kids are lower on the totem pole than most Kennys, as later in the movie, they only have enough security clearance to influence police. Not one of them is given full reign of a military headquarters.

One of the thugs kidnaps an orphan, leaving the other two to limp back to base to break the bad news that they were beat up by a guy wearing a full-body condom with a cape, and let some children steal their super-powerful nuclear weapon. Upon being condemned to death, one of the thugs howls, “Have mercy! I only made a little mistake!” Yeah, you let a bunch of 8-year-olds run off with a weapon capable of DESTROYING AN ENTIRE CITY! If you’d forgotten to pick up the boss’s dry cleaning on the way back, you’d really be fucked.

After a bunch of ridiculous plot twists and helter-skelter introduction of new characters, and waaaaay too much of the thug and the kidnapped orphan wandering around while the thug pets the kid’s head in a manner so suggestive I thought Benson and Stabler were gonna run in stage left and tackle the guy, we finally end up with Starman holding the bomb and the Mirapolian leader holding the nun from the orphanage captive. Being slightly more heroic than Prince of Space, but not as badass as Space Chief (dude, that was Sonny fuckin’ Chiba), Starman immediately caves and hands over the bomb to the insane dictator with plans of world domination. Imprisoning them together, Mirapolian Guy tosses a small, handheld nuke into their cell and takes off on his getaway boat. Starman shields the nun from the blast with his body (good thing his ass absorbed all the radiation, huh?), and tracks down the bad guys to bring them to justice.

I don’t want that 80 minutes of my life back, I’ll say that for the movie. These old 1950’s serials have a certain naïve charm about them. I can’t imagine for a minute (without losing all respect for an entire generation of human beings, anyway) that anyone involved in the production of any of these things took themselves even a little seriously. I have to believe it was all about having fun and entertaining the kiddies. Seriously, any movie so cheap that squealing car tires are represented not even by a stock sound effect, but by someone doing a Pakistani Xena yodel, has to be able to look at itself and laugh.

It started on a pretty high note of goofiness with that Emerald Planet business and some really awful model aircraft stuff, but either they blew the budget in the first five minutes or the writer fell asleep on his typewriter. The whole second act, and about the first half of the third, is way too much plot getting in the way of the story. The silly FX sequences are replaced by people wandering around, half the time with no acceptable explanation as to how they got there or what the fuck they’re trying to accomplish. Seriously, Starman, if you’re strong enough to bend a gun in half and stop a charging car with your fingertips, why let the authorities frame you for the Mirapolians’ crimes and put you in jail? Bend those fuckin’ bars, dude! The evil, vaguely foreign guys are doing all sorts of unspeakable things to that nun!

Still, I’m looking forward to the further exploits of Starman. There are, I believe, three more of his movies in this set somewhere. In at least one of them, he fights a monster (and not just a misleading title, I hope). And when all is said and done, his flight is still more convincing than Pumaman’s.

The Moral of the Story: It’s really easy to sneak into your enemy’s base when your costume looks just like theirs.

H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating

- You might get up for a lot of beers during that second reel, but there is plenty of merciless group fun to be had with this one.

Sequels: Attack From Space ; Invader From Space ; Evil Brain From Outer Space

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