It is finished! Some schlub nailed to a cross said that once. And I say it now. My 26-movie trek through the wasteland is finally over. To celebrate, I’m going to embark on one more self-imposed theme, a trifecta of reviews for the Ator trilogy, before returning to my regularly scheduled randomness. This, then, is the first, and greatest of the Ator saga.
Many eons ago, in ancient times written about by cheesy power metal bands, there was a kingdom in thrall to horror. For 1000 years, the Spider reigned over the land. But yea, the people had hope. A prophecy said a savior would come, a man named Torin, who would do mighty battle with the great arachnid. However, Torin is a great big puss and he will fail to free the people from the Spider. But wait, this prophecy doesn’t totally suck, peasants. Just gather back ‘round, those hogs can wait to be slopped. Before the Spider shoved Torin up its butt and ate him backwards, Torin spread his seed to the wind. If by “to the wind” you mean “the cooch of any village slut who’d have his tiny, Spider-defeated schlong near her”. Anyway, long expository narrative short, Ator’s gonna come and kick some Spider ass.
Dakkar, the Spider’s high priest, receives a sign that the seed of Torin has finally been born. He sends his armies to destroy the firstborn of every village (Charlton Heston and the Bible are gonna suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuue somebody!), but the crafty and disenfranchised ex-high priest Griba is onto his game. He erases the Mark of Torin from Ator’s shoulder with some magic powder and hides him from the marauding soldiers.
Many years later, a large eagle statue in the Spider’s temple (why the hell is there a statue of a giant eagle in the temple of a giant spider?) cries tears of blood, signifying that Dakkar’s soldiers failed, and that Ator has reached manhood.
This manhood is evidenced to the viewer by Ator lamenting that he can’t marry his sister, Sunya. No, seriously, Ator is apparently from Alabama. And when he tells his father of his predicament, dear ol’ dad is overjoyed, because Sunya isn’t really related to him. Ator was taken in as a baby when Griba gave him to the humble farmer to hide. But that doesn’t change the fact that until five minutes ago, Ator thought this chick was his own flesh and blood and STILL WANTED TO MAKE THE SIGN OF THE TRIPLE-HUMPED COUCH WEASEL WITH HER! I have a hard time accepting a hero who wants to ride his own sister like a naughty camel. Plus, he looks a whole lot like Kip Winger.
I can just see the ancient version of Beavis and Butt-Head, wearing “Dakkar” and “Spider God” shirts, and beating up the ancient version of Stuart, who sports his very own “Ator” shirt with such pride, because he wants to be like the cool urchins but just doesn’t get that he’s supporting a dude with huge, poofy hair who WANTS TO FUCK HIS SISTER! Have I sufficiently beaten this horse into the ground? Good, let’s get back to the story, shall we?
But what’s this? A black knight (who looks a great deal like the luchadore Silencio from Nacho Libre) spots Griba (who hasn’t aged a day in the last twenty years) watching over Ator as his guardian angel. Reporting back to Dakkar (who also hasn’t aged), he is ordered to take the men and destroy the village.
And destroy they do. The village is sacked during Ator and Sunya’s wedding, and everyone is laid waste. Sunya is kidnapped, and Ator is left with only Kiok, his cute, fuzzy pet bear cub. I should point out here that the cover artwork portrays Ator, his partner-yet-to-come-in-the-movie Roon, and a giant, badass saber tooth cat as his animal sidekick. Imagine the surprise of everyone who sat down to watch this, myself included, expecting to see a Killer Shrews-style gluing-on of giant fangs to a real panther, and instead see what is easily the cutest character ever to be featured (and featured very heavily, much to the film’s benefit) in an Italian Conan the Barbarian knockoff. It’s really hard to be sad for Ator, who is seen mourning over the charred corpses of his family, when Kiok is romping adorably in the foreground.
Griba comes out of the woods to take Ator under his wing and train him to take revenge on Dakkar and the Spider for destroying his family. Although really all Griba wants is revenge on Dakkar for kicking him out of the temple, but Ator doesn’t need to know that. Yet. After many moons of training, Ator is finally ready for the Sword of Torin. He’s also ready to go on a series of misadventures which have absolutely nothing to do with the main plot of the movie, but this is a barbarian sword ‘n’ sandal movie, so that’s what you have to do.
First, he tries to rescue the seemingly innocent Roon from a band of thieves. Except she mops the woods with them and about all Ator does is get in one good kick to a guy who’s already down by the time he reaches the fray. Roon repays his attempt at kindness by capturing him with her Amazon sisters and taking him back to their camp to be breeding stock. Roon wins a fight to see who gets to have some snoo-snoo with Winger, but Ator’s tale of woe and lost love wins her over. She helps him escape the camp on the condition that she can come with and loot the Spider’s treasury once they’ve defeated it.
Okay, so that actually had a point, because Ator needed a sidekick besides Kiok (awwww). But I defy you to give me a reason (other than making damn sure you know this is supposed to be just like Conan) for Ator following an illusory Sunya back to the cave of evil sorceress Laura Gemser, who holds him as a love slave. Roon, meanwhile, is trapped in a rockslide, and Kiok digs her out. That’s right, the adorable bear cub has done more so far than our poofy-headed hero. Roon then saves Ator (is he seriously supposed to be our hero?) by showing him the witch’s true, horrible, melty, Aztec Mummy-lookin’ face in a mirror.
Then it’s off to the land where the dead walk. In what is probably the one truly effective scene of suspense or creepiness in the whole movie, Ator and Roon are lost in a bank of fog and surrounded by the shambling corpses of long-dead soldiers from every imaginable corner of the globe. Their leather-and-steel armor creaks and groans menacingly as they approach our heroic duo…who just walk away from the danger. That’s right, the movie builds up its one solid moment only to write itself into a corner and just have Ator and Roon wander out of harm’s way without confronting the danger!
And finally, after a bit of comic relief wherein Roon steals money from prostitutes in a bar, Griba shows up again, tells Ator his true identity, and tells him he must find the Shield of Mordor (I hear that the lawyers representing Tolkien’s estate wanted to sue, but then they saw Kiok and were so distracted by his cute fuzziness that they forgot all about the suit – once again the adorable bear saves the day and Ator does squat) to defeat the Spider. Through the caverns of the blind warriors (another cool moment wasted as nothing but set dressing) they go, to the chamber under the great volcano where rests the Shield of Mordor. In a scene which I give this movie a great deal of credit for even if it isn’t exactly perfectly executed because it must have been fucking harder than hell to choreograph, Ator fights his own shadow to win the Shield, and then it’s off to slay the Spider.
When they reach the temple, Dakkar goes down like a little wussy girl, exploding when Ator whacks him with the Sword of Torin. The real menace, however, is Griba, who holds Sunya hostage in the Spider’s web. Turns out all that backstabbing fuck wanted was his station as High Priest back, and Ator and prophecies be damned. Roon is killed in the ensuing fight, but Griba gets cocky and winds up as Spider chow. In mighty battle with the biggest fucking sock puppet I’ve ever seen, Ator’s Shield of Mordor is shattered, but the Spider lies dead and the land is free once more.
The volcano explodes, wiping the last traces of the Spider’s reign from the land, and Ator, Sunya, and Kiok frolic off into the woods together. No, really. I’m not making that last bit up to be sarcastic. The movie actually ends with these three fuckin’ frolicking off into the forest to play.
I remember this being a good movie. It’s not. I remember this being an entertaining movie, and it certainly is that. Definitely the best of the trilogy, not that that isn’t damning with faint praise as part 2 is even dumber than this and part 3, if memory serves, is just fucking boring as all hell. But we’ll find out in the next couple of weeks, won’t we? Until then, keep your hair poofy and your cuddly bear close to hand. You’re gonna need ‘em where you’re goin’, pilgrim.
The Moral of the Story: Priests of giant spider gods have a very low flashpoint.
H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating
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