Anyway, the giant, indestructible, fire-breathing, intelligent, telepathic, talking dinosaurs…what’s that? I didn’t say anything about being telepathic? Um…yeah. They’re telepathic too. I’ll get to it. Anyway, the dinosaurs with the aforementioned powers return to the surface led by Emperor Tyrannus, portrayed with Ian McKellan-ian subtlety and wit by the T-Rex costume from The Last Dinosaur, but with red eyes. Emperor T has seen enough of the monkeys who’ve taken over the joint in his absence, and wants them gone. His first attempt at the destruction of the earth is an Allosaurus with the ability to turn your average house dog into a ravening hellhound with a glance. And it would have worked if it weren’t for those pesky Starbuck twins!

Yes, standing in Emperor T’s way are the Gemini crew, led by Dr. Beefy Hitler Guy. The rest of the team are Spindly Weasely Science Guy and Pudgy I Don’t Know Why He’s Here Guy. Because I paid a lot of attention to the characters. Oh, and most importantly, Jim and Gem Starbuck, twins who Dr. Beefy Hitler Guy turned into a sort of cross between the Six Million Dollar Man and Voltron. Any time the situation becomes too hot to handle, they fire up their bionics and merge together to form the superbeing Gemini. And he has a ship that appears out of nowhere, sort of like Optimus Prime’s trailer.

So with the power of Gemini, they smoke the shit out of the hell dogs and gianttalkingfirebreathingtelepathic Allosaurus. Tyrannus then sends a Pteranodon with the ability to control bats and a Stegosaurus with the ability to control rats, and a Styracosaurus, and…um…that Allosaurus that they blew up…yeah.

Anyway, the reason that was a little abrupt is, I honestly don’t know how to describe this movie properly. It’s one of those things that’s so mind-bogglingly goofy that you just have to see it to understand.

The thing that makes it unique from every other Ultraman knockoff is in how it’s animated. The human characters, rats, and helldogs are all standard anime, the attack ships and models are "Thunderbirds"-style models, and the monsters are sweaty guys in really awful-looking rubber suits.

Attack of the Super Monsters, as you may have guessed, is not actually a movie, but a compilation of the first four episodes of an old TV show. I’ve heard tell that the rest of them are floating around out there somewhere. There are a couple of bits that are surprisingly violent for a kids’ show, like when Gemini tunnels through the Styracosaurus with his ship, or beheads the Allosaurus with same.

When all is said and done, though, the brilliance of this show works best in small doses. You watch the first segment, and you’re totally blown away, the second, and you’re giggling like a schoolgirl, the third and you’re looking at your watch, and by the time the tape winds up, you’re ready for it to be done. The formulaic storylines ensure nothing particularly surprising happens (aside from giant, indestructible, fire-breathing, intelligent, telepathic, talking dinosaurs), and by episode three, you’re desensitized to the goofiness. Still, high marks for the absolutely skull-implodingly awesome way the first episode hits you like a tidal wave of…something…really awesome…yeah. Trust me, just run out and see it.

BONUS REVIEW!

The Backyardigans
"The Yeti"
(2004)
Normal Rating:

Rating Of How Much I Love It Because It Distracts Phoenix:

Genre: Kiddy Show Tool Of Destraction
Cast & Crew Credits

Having a kid will, to a certain extent (a lesser one if you already think watching cartoons and Godzilla movies is really cool), change what you watch. Sure, I still find plenty of time for grown-up crap, but during the day the TV is usually dominated by kiddy shows for Phoenix. One of these shows is The "Backyardigans", and Mal thought I should review an episode for AniMAYtion month.

The Backyardigans are a fivesome of CGI animated animals: a moose, a penguin, a hippo, a kangaroo, and some kind of weird-ass polka dotted alien insect thing called Youniqua. They all live next to each other, and have musical adventures in their backyards. It’s colorful, there’s lots of singing, 15-month-olds are mesmerized by it. It’s somewhat less traumatic for them than being duct-taped to a wall or locked in a cupboard when you want them out of your hair for a while to get some reading or fucking done.

So in this particular episode, the penguin pretends to be a yeti. He sings an infectiously catchy funk tune about being a yeti. He says the words, “Smell my yeti smell.” I’m afraid you can’t ask much more than that from a show that’s intended to entertain people who’ve barely learned to speak and can‘t yet grasp the subtleties of poop jokes.

God, I hate that fucking hippo. She’s a stuck-up know-it-all. I don’t know why the other singing animals are friends with her. They should just kill her and eat her. I bet that damn space insect has some sort of crazy alien venom that would kill her.

Man, I can’t wait until he’s a little older and I can show him Attack of the Super Monsters. I remember how I viewed things like that when I was a kid. It’s amazing that kids think that stuff is actually really cool. Well, it is really cool, but in a different…look, you know what I mean! Lay off! I have to watch at least two episodes of "The Backyardigans" EVERY FUCKING DAY! My brain is FRIED! It’s on in the background as I write this, RIGHT FUCKING NOW! I mean, I guess I can be thankful it’s not "The Wiggles", but…

Help me.

Second Opinion:Check out what Anubis had to think...

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