Jesus H. Christ, what happened there? Lost the plot a bit, didn’t I? But seriously, I’m going to drink mead from your skull. On to the point, shall we? Barring those first three words, the next set of three words I thought I’d never say are “sequel to RoboVampire”.

Tonight’s movie is a fucking sequel to RoboVampire. And believe it or not, it’s even more incoherent. Although, RoboVampire is surprisingly coherent for what it is. See if you can keep up with me here.

Joyce is a screenwriter working on a script about the first emperor of China. She moves into a house in China with her friend, and on the way to the new digs, they cross a Taoist priest doing something silly with a skeleton on the side of the road. For no real reason, she pulls a gun on him, which understandably pisses him off. Pretty soon, a crazy undead monster dude with huge Freddy Kreuger claws starts harassing her. Her friend becomes possessed, and eventually gives rather squishy, chestburster-style birth to the son of the Vampire Beast (this being the dude with the blade fingers, who in actuality is the ape/Aztec Mummy creature from RoboVampire who has somehow been called back into existence by the severely goofy Taoist priest and his two comic-relief hopping vampire sidekicks). Just when all looks lost for Joyce, the filmmaker who she was writing the script for (who earlier became a teleporting white ninja to fight off the hopping vampires), shows up, spins around a couple of times…AND TRANSFORMS INTO FUCKING ROBO WARRIOR! The budget must have been considerably less this time around, because as bargain-basement as Robo Warrior was last time, he looks positively shameful this time around. His pads are droopy, his helmet barely fits, and he doesn’t have his giant flamethrower/machine gun combo. He beats up the Vampire Beast for old times’ sake, and the day is saved.

As awesome as that sounds, I’m sad to report it’s not nearly as entertaining as the original. Of course, RoboVampire is an absolute classic and one of my favorite no-budget crapfests. This, while infinitely more incoherent, just lacks the severity of goofiness (even with the Taoist this time practically being a Marx Brothers character, and his henchmen in it purely as comic relief) that made RoboVampire such an enthralling and majestic failure of a movie. I think where RoboVampire tried to be serious and wound up unspeakably silly, Counter Destroyer (by the way, how fucking metal is that title?) tries to be silly and winds up being kinda boring most of the time. And by that, I mean that only once every five minutes or so does something happen that makes your jaw drop to the floor, as opposed to about once ever thirty seconds in its predecessor.

Like I said before, this thing looks like it had a low budget even by Thomas Tang standards. Stock footage is everywhere; the Robo Warrior suit looks like they couldn’t even be bothered trying to find something that slightly resembled armor; they couldn’t spring for a monkey and/or mummy mask for the Vampire Beast; and best of all, my copy of this was obviously dubbed from a transfer that was originally subtitled (Jesus H., can you imagine how many awesome typos were in those subs?), because it’s letterboxed with a tiny black bar at the top, and a huge one at the bottom that cuts off nearly a third of the picture and you can still see the tops of the letters peeking over the black.

The IMDB listing for this says at the bottom that if you liked this movie, you should watch The Matrix (no one should ever watch The Matrix), Enter the Dragon, and Vampire Hunter D. Admit it, IMDB, you’re just playing word association. It’s okay. I won’t hit you. Hard.

So to recap, it’s not nearly as awesome as RoboVampire (really, what the hell is?), but it’s a fuck of a lot better than The Matrix. Then again, I could list many things better than The Matrix. This movie; George W. Bush’s foreign policy; every other movie ever, except for Brokeback Mountain and The Fast and the Furious; anal sex with a rusty chainsaw; George W. Bush’s domestic policy; anal sex with Ronald Reagan’s festering corpse; listening to hardcore bands; reading Ayn Rand; anal sex with George W. Bush while reading Ayn Rand and listening to a hardcore band – I’m going to stop myself there, but the list goes on for a long fucking time.

Moral of the Story: If you killed off your monster, but you want to make a sequel, glue two new movies together and he’ll come back to life as a totally different character!

Sequel to: RoboVampire

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