But never mind about all that. Tonight we focus on that other famous “ism”, SEXism. You know, the fun one. The one where instead of burning crosses on someone’s lawn you just demand meatloaf and blowjobs. Mmmm. Meatloaf job…

Now that I made myself throw up a little, how about we get to the movie? Sound good? Well, I’ve already watched it, and I can tell you it’s really not. We start out with a scene from Gorath. Hey, cool! Kumi Mizuno is always a good way to start your movie. She and some dude sneak into what here is supposed to be a Red Chinese base to take pictures of the ubiquitous Doomsday Machine. Her break in reminds us of a simpler time in spy movies, when instead of weaving seductively through a crosshatching of laser beams, all you had to do was throw a cat at the guard to distract his dog, and then run inside. Apparently 1960’s spy gear kits all came with one standard-issue cat.

But since the movie said Doomsday Machine up front and not Gorath, you know there ain’t no giant space walrus in your immediate future. Don’t worry, though, we’ll get some more Toho goodness in a little bit. On to the doughy white guys! The pictures of what looks like Robby the Robot’s retarded baby brother make their way back to a group of people with awesome mustaches and tinted glasses (which, incidentally, is the name of the next .38 Special album), who decide it’s time to take action…by never showing up in the movie again!

Moving right along to our next plot point, Project Astra is about to launch a manned mission to Venus (which seems like a really stupid idea in the first place, and is about to get even more stupid). While the crew is going through their pre-flight medical checkups, they hear the launch sequence initiated over the loudspeakers. Turns out the military has high-jacked their flight and replaced three of their crew at the last minute with women of their choosing. One of them is a Russian, so in addition to the inevitable sexual tension, we’ve got a bit of nationalistic rivalry on the menu for later as well.

And so the rocket, which has a cabin the size of a fucking ballroom and is lit like a gay disco, takes off. Now, the footage of the launch shows a single-stage rocket taking off. Once we’re in space, the rocket is represented by more footage from Gorath, and changes from a normal rocket to something that looks like it was probably test piloted by Ace Rimmer, and then to a space station, and then to a totally different kind of space station! Compared with this movie, Roger Corman was the very model of continuity.

After some tensions fizzle (flare is totally the wrong word, as it connotes excitement and passion and action, three things we are flatly refused by this movie at every turn), we find out that the addition of the women was not just some hasty last-minute affirmative action bullshit, but a plan to restart the human race. See, when the bomb was first introduced, it seems the Chinese had been watching Doctor Who and had stolen the Daleks’ idea to shoot a bomb into the Earth’s core, setting off a series of fault line explosions and destroying the surface of the planet (unless the Chinese have a plan to get off planet, which is never mentioned, this seems like a pretty fucking retarded evil plan as evil plans go).

The bomb was to go off in 72 hours after Kumi discovered it at the beginning of the flick. When it was announced that the Astra shuttle would take four months to get to Venus, I kinda wondered what the hell they were supposed to be doing about the bomb. Turns out, nothing but watch the Earth get fried. They’re supposed to go on to Venus to restart the human race…on a planet so hot with radioactivity that an Earth scorched with hydrogen bombs and volcanic explosions would still be more hospitable, as any fourth-grader would have been able to explain to the filmmakers had they asked one.

Well, once we get through with more Toho stock footage of Armageddon, and the crew stand around and watch the Earth get burned to a cinder in their space parascope which actually allows them to view the stock footage, there’s not much else to do. The movie turns into a crap version of Rocketship X-M. Yes, I said a crap version of Rocketship X-M. Because at least there we had Lloyd Bridges to keep us entertained.

So we just watch some boring bickering in the cabin of the shape-changing gay space disco ship with an infamous manway which is far too small for even a midget to get through, so all we get are members of the crew staring at it, wishing to God they could just fit through the fucking thing to get to the ship’s only toilet, which is on the other side. Well, I made that last part up, I have no idea where they’re supposed to take a shit. The lid to the manway looks like a huge tit, though. Has a nipple and everything, no kiddin’.

Eventually the movie manages to wander back in the direction of plot-forwarding action, and the last phase of the rocket, which is supposed to break away before landing on Venus, is stuck. So the lowest-ranking schmuck is sent up top with a crowbar and a screwdriver to pry it loose. Russian girl goes to help him, and they succeed in breaking the piece off, but wind up riding it into the void…until they happen to run into a solar-powered prototype ship run by one of Russian girl’s comrades! Now, what would you guess the chances are of having just lost your ship, and floating through infinite space you just happen to run into the one other ship that has ever been sent out in the direction you’re heading? If you said about as likely as there being an action-packed sequel to Brokeback Mountain that manages to not make gay people seem like horrible assholes, you’d be in the ballpark.

Well, they manage to leap across to the derelict ship, toss the corpse of Sergei Shitouttaluckski out of the driver’s seat, fire up the solar batteries and head for Venus. They make brief contact with their crewmates before a voice takes over their intercom and tells them the other ship has already been shot down, and they better take their damn stupid human plague somewhere else. No way are the Venusians going to let the last survivors of a race so stupid they blew up their own planet land and start all over again on their homeworld. But there’s a consolation prize – something great awaiting them on the edge of the known universe, whatever that means. And the collective minds of Venus give the Russian ship a psionic swat to send it on its way to oblivion.

Not only does the movie steal its special FX from Gorath (and The Wizard of Mars, a little-known sci-fi remake of The Wizard of Oz), but it steals its music from The Forbidden Planet (think you maybe could have picked a less recognizable score to steal, movie?) and its ending from The Angry Red Planet. And as always with crappy movies that steal their contents from good movies, all this does is make you think, “Why the fuck am I watching this crap? I should be watching Gorath and Forbidden Planet and Angry Red Planet right now”.