Our story begins when the evil warlord of Katoh, who considers himself quite a ladies’ man, has his evil minions attack the Hori convent to steal him some new brides. The baddies mow down every man, woman and child in the convent but for seven nuns, and just as they are about to feel the wrath of tiny penises upon them, Princess Sen from Edo shows up and claims them under her protection.

Knowing that Katoh will be pissed as all hell and send his crew after the women again, she sends Master Jubei (who looks like a K-Mart Sonny Chiba) the samurai to teach the ladies how to be ninjas and take revenge for the destruction of their convent. One by one, the ladies’ special ninja magic powers awaken in them, and they face off against: Eyeball Guy, who can pull his eyes out and turn them into Cyclops monsters that do his bidding; Black Face Guy, who can shoot chains out of his sleeves like Pinhead and make people melt from the inside out with a touch; Impervious Viking Swimmer Guy, who wears a horned helmet (which real Vikings never actually wore, by the way) and anachronistic swimming goggles and arrows bounce off his beefiness; Albino Guy, who is really good with a sword; and Effeminate Munchkin, who…um…speaks in falsetto and runs around…and stuff.

You see, the way the girls awaken their magical ninja magic is, they have to have sex with Jubei. Because God knows a woman isn’t worth a damn until she puts out. Get back in the kitchen and bind your feet and bring me some tea and uncooked seafood! The first girl to discover that she’s worthless without a penis in her gains the Virgin Blood Attack, wherein her blood will make a sword sharper or some such nonsense. She discovers this while she and Jubei are trapped in a pit full of rotting corpses, doing the deed standing up while Katoh shoots arrows at them which Jubei blocks with his sword.

Ochie, the leader of the kunoichi women, gets the ability to windmill her hair around and whack people with it, which is lame, but remember what I said about fireballs and lightning earlier? The two highlights of the movie are the women who develop the power of Returning Echo, in which she absorbs all her enemy’s powers through her vagina and then barfs them back at him, and Nipple Shock Wave, in which the girl’s shirt disappears and she fires lightning out of her nipples in all directions, kinda like King Ghidorah’s heavy attack mode in Godzilla: Destroy All Monsters Melee. I honestly can’t even think of anything funny to say about that. I just told you a woman shoots lighting out of her tits while shouting “Nipple Shock Wave!” I can’t imagine there is a joke that would make that any more awesome than it already is.

Sadly, the movie isn’t as awesome as it should be. Sure, when there’s vagina-powered fireballs and fountains of blood, it’s great, but it slogs like a bastard through the second act. I actually fell asleep during the big stretch of exposition revealing that Jubei can’t kill the evil sorcerer because he’s the brother of Jubei’s clan’s sorcerer and if he dies, his brother dies as well (I did say I watched this twice). A movie that has lightning tits and vaginal fireballs and can still manage to put you to sleep doesn’t say much about the director’s pacing abilities. Hell, Kibakichi has hardly any samurai werewolf action, and I actually found the yakkity-yak to be just as interesting as the fights. This can be done, people, there is a balance, but it ain’t to be found here.

In the end, Kunoichi is a limited thrill. It’s one of those things that, the first time you pop it in the DVD player not knowing what to expect, it blows your brains out the back of your skull. However, once the surprise of Nipple Shock Wave has worn off, there’s precious little else to hold it up to repeat viewings. Definitely worth a watch, but when you’ve seen it once and you’re jonesing for a fix of goofy Eastern schlock, fire up RoboVampire or Seventh Curse instead. Those movies never get old.