Huh huh, dude, maybe the Universe should stop and ask for directions. No, but seriously, folks, have you ever eaten a really old piece of candy that you found? You know the kind, where it’s been sitting wherever it was sitting for so long that the outer layer of the once-hard confection is all soft and chewy with that weird texture that you probably imagine a sea slug would be like, and the wrapper is all melted into the gooey sea slug outer coating, but you eat it anyway because you figure once you suck all that goo and a couple of pieces of stubborn paper off the outside, the rest of it will still taste like candy. But it never does. It usually tastes more like the inside of one of your pants pockets.
This movie is kind of like that piece of sea slug pocket candy. You keep sucking on it (and it just keeps sucking), hoping to get to a sweet center of b-movie entertainment goodness, and all you get is a decidedly linty aftertaste.
Dr. Hartmann invents a teleportation machine. He invites his reporter/snake fighter (seriously, her introduction scene has her in a staring contest with a cobra) friend Carrie over so he can zap her compact into the ether. On the way, she runs into (and by that I mean runs him off the road, because she drives like a woman, and sexism is fun!) Dan, who is played by Richard “Dammit, I’m Not That Gay Guy From Survivor” Hatch, but is actually John Denver in disguise. Trust me on that.
Dr. Hartmann, despite being brilliant enough to invent a teleporter, is not smart enough to wait until after the earthquake to test it. He falls into the machine, and Carrie and Dan, who has chased her to Hartmann’s house to complain some more about his broken kendo sword, chase after him.
Once in the Lost Universe, they are chased by blue jean-wearin’ Jawa-wannabes who growl like panthers and have glowing eyes, rescued by a large caveman, befriended by a green dude, attacked by an outcast from the “Doctor Who” episode “Full Circle”, and separated. Dan follows the green dude, and meets Malachi, an obnoxious pseudo-pirate. Carrie is kidnapped by Kleel the Warlord (John Saxon, playing the role he was denied in Cave Dwellers). Carrie discovers Dr. Hartmann working for Kleel, buying his life with the secret of gunpowder and other scientific tomfoolery (he offered to build a Large Hadron Collider, but couldn’t find a place in the cave to plug it in). Dan and green dude and Malachi all wind up at the castle and there’s a big renaissance festival gunpowder showdown before they find the magic compact and Dan and Carrie teleport back to their alternate-reality Los Angeles where people drive right-hand-driver’s-side cars, leaving Dr. Hartmann stuck in the universe of exploding poop rocks and green guys with pneumatic harpoon guns which have no visible source of compressed air, yet gunpowder is beyond the local technology.
I should mention that the water beast that attacks Carrie briefly before being harpooned in the throat by green dude is featured prominently on the video case, leading the potential viewer to believe the main baddie is some kind of giant orc. He gets less than thirty seconds of screen time, and our main bad guy is John Saxon with a beard, wearing an orange jumpsuit with a coyote skin shawl to make him look medieval. Seriously guys, an orange jumpsuit? You’re not even trying, are you?
I have no idea how this movie escaped being featured on “MST3K”, but it would have been perfect. It’s about on par with the Deathstalker movies or Pod People in terms of production values, and I almost felt I was missing something without those weird Film Ventures International credits with scenes from a totally unrelated movie playing over the beginning.
IMDB is always a source of good cheer regarding movies like this, because it would seem the only members to leave reviews of these things were the people who made the movie (witness the massive flame war on the Future War entry, where the director logged on and talked about how unfair the “MST3K” episode was, and how hard they worked, and how great the movie really is, and then everyone called him on his bullshit). Prisoners of the Sea Slug Pocket Lint Candy Universe is hailed as a “highly enjoyable escapist fantasy…great fun from start to finish…It's just such a shame that films like this are so rarely made nowadays”. Forgiving that these comments were clearly written by an octogenarian because no one uses the word “nowadays” nowadays, this kind of pandering can not possibly have come from anyone who viewed this load of crap objectively.
It gets even better. The next guy down the list says, “This is a great movie! There are so few movies out there dealing with the fantasy genre that are even half-way believable, especially with swordplay. This has the be the best fantasy movie I have ever seen. The acting is top notch and the plot, once you get past the original premise, is quite credible. The music is excellent, also, along with the visuals for its time. This is one of the true underrated gems of all time. I think it would have been one of the top grossing fantasy movies of all time (I think the live action Lord of the Ring series wasn't that good - I like the Rankin animated version much better, with he books being the best, of course), if it had been released in theaters instead of just Showtime. A must see for any fantasy fan”.
I think they meant to say, “A must see for any fantasy fan who hates fantasy, life, and themselves”. That is copied verbatim, typos and all (no, of course Inevr mak thos, bcuz I am teh ahsum). I realize this seems like I’m padding my review, but I found that to be so hilarious I felt I needed to share it with all of you. Never mind the praising of the top notch acting and music, but highest grossing fantasy films of all time!? I didn’t think anyone but Uwe Boll was that delusional.
The Moral of the Story: Don’t touch the giant pile of poop, or you will explode.
Screen Shots______________
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"I don't know why I'm in this movie either,
folks. Tip your bartender, and don't do drugs.
I gotta get back to the set of 'Sssssss'."
|
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"Vapid.
V-A-P-I-D.
Vapid."
|
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"Who the hell replaced my tele-
porter with a coloring table!?"
|
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"I cannae do it captain, I don't
have good enough special FX!" Eh,
make your own 'Star Trek' joke.
|
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"Hey, put me on the cover of the movie!
Make people think I'm the villain! Then
put me in the movie for thirty seconds!
What? No, no one will get mad about that."
|
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Were I being attacked by a vicious,
fanged swamp monster, this is probably
not the expression I would be wearing.
Still, it's the strongest emotion she has.
|
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"Incontheivable!"
|
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"Are we Jawas or Zulus?
Ah, fuck it, CHAAARRRRGE!"
|
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"I don't know, I just woke up and I was
in another one of these crappy foreign
fantasy movies. Gotta lay off that Cutty."
|
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John Denver goes apeshit at the
Renaissance Festival after one
too many giant turkey legs.
|
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"If my pirate guns don't get
you, my oily pecs will!"
|
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The pile of Triceratops crap
from 'Jurassic Park' makes a
cameo as the God of the Rock.
|
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John Denver sets a
trap for Wile E. Coyote.
|
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"Be my wife or I'll blow
your freakin' boob off!"
|
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In Harry Turtledove's alternate history
novel "Remember The Alamo", Davy Crockett
and Abraham Lincoln face off against
Hitler and Rasputin, who attack the Alamo
with nuclear weapons and black magic.
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H.O.P.E.L.E.S.S. Rating
- Watch it with a group, it’s fine joke fodder. If you watch it alone, you may wish you had a magical harpoon gun to shoot yourself in the balls with. Hey, it’d be more fun than watching
Prisoners of the Lost Universe alone.
All materials found within this review are the intellectual properties and opinions of the original writer. The Tomb of Anubis claims no responsibility for the views expressed in this review, but we do lay a copyright claim on it beeyotch, so don't steal from this shit or we'll have to go all Farmer Vincent on your silly asses. © March 5th 2006 and beyond, not to be reproduced in any way without the express written consent of the reviewer and the Tomb of Anubis or pain of a physical and legal nature will follow. Touch not lest ye be touched.
