You can imagine from reading the title of the movie what it was that prompted my ever-so-awesome wife to buy the Mill Creek (the current reigning champions of cheap-ass genre DVD’s, with their 50 movies for $20 sets) “Tomb of Terrors” box set that contained it for me as an early Cthulhumas present. You can probably also imagine how very little it lives up to the promises its name implies. Granted, it is about vampires, and some of them are lesbians, but the only thing they are barely legal for is the senior citizens’ discount menu at Perkins.
Goth Dyke 1 and Goth Dyke 2 are lovers. After a spat, Goth Dyke 2 is lured by Vampire Dyke 1 into the coven led by Carmilla the vampire queen. Aided by Muffy the Vampire Slayer, Goth Dyke 1 must rescue Goth Dyke 2 and save the day.
Jesus H. Fuck, this movie is awful. I often refer to movies shot with digital video as being shot on a home video camera because it looks cheap and shitty. This movie actually was shot on a camcorder, and most definitely is cheap and shitty. The “actors”, as it were, are made up of the local goth scene from wherever this steaming load of bloody dog shit (my dog Sammael was sick this weekend, thank him for that lovely image) was filmed. I guess I should say taped, not filmed, because no actual professional film was harmed in the making of this movie. Anyway, amateur acting is my point. Bad, bad amateur acting. Amateur acting so bad your local community theater would laugh at it.
And yet, I can’t hate this movie. On a level of pure quality, yes, I hate it. But the bloopers during the credits, as well as the occasional interruptions by some fat schmuck named Mr. Creepo, who looks like he’s trying to be King Diamond’s understudy, walking around a graveyard praying to the ghost of Ed Wood to give him filmmaking advice because the production is falling apart, make me feel more forgiving.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But Ragnarok,” you say. “Just a few days ago, in your Murder Set Pieces review, which had to be trimmed by some 23 pages before the attorney general would declassify Ragnarok as an enemy combatant for writing it, and which “Hustler” magazine is calling ‘the most graphic horror film review ever committed to the internet’, and CBS News raves is ‘the most erotically charged, aggressively deranged, unabashedly brutal American horror review EVER written,’ you said that you hated the fact that current technology allows any loser to make and distribute a movie with very little effort.” And that is true. But while that movie was a pretentious piece of shit made by a guy trying so hard to make a name for himself that he stinks of desperation worse than a brothel next to a “Star Trek” convention, this is just a case of some friends getting together to have some fun and make a movie for laughs, and audiences be damned.
In that vein, I introduce a new rating system, to be used by myself (and whoever else feels inclined to use it) on the occasions where I review silly little home movies like this one. The Not the Mafia rating. The history of Not the Mafia can be read in my Wizards of the Demon Sword review, so I won’t bother recounting it again here. The idea is, it’s a biased rating based on how much fun it looked like the cast and crew had lovingly pooping out their little turd.
Not the Mafia Rating:
